SEATTLE, WA – Spokespeople for Microsoft have begun telling customers that the United States government will soon prohibit the sales of Microsoft Windows phones so customers should stock up on the phones now, while they are still available.

“The government is gonna come in to our homes and take away our Microsoft Windows phones!” said Microsoft employee Racheal Gregor.

CHICAGO, IL — Over the past years Consumer Reports has provided parents with a valuable list: the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country often stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the anticipated high demand and hopefully minimize the violent incidents that have happened in the past between crazed parents.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Last month the Fox News channel interrupted a series of lies and conjecture to report actual, opinion-free news.

As hurricane Sandy hit the east coast late last month, Fox News broadcaster Jonathan Hunt interrupted a news story about the Obama Administrations plan to destroy the Christian church with real, honest, opinion-free news about the hurricane’s affect on cities.

ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”

NEWARK, DE – Several employees of CPTB Industries have described the Christmas decorations in a co-workers cubicle as “a little over the top.”

LINCOLN, NE – A recent poll conducted by the Department of Sociology at the University of Nebraska concludes that sexy Halloween costumes are less sexy in XXL and XXXL sizes.

ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.

OAKLAND, CA – Rupert Murdoch is facing new phone hacking allegations after a former employee of a Murdoch owned high school newspaper said he was paid to hack the phones of two local teenagers.

ATLANTA, GA – A report has drawn a direct line between the sex-slavery trade and milkshakes. The report is a result of more than five years of research by the University of Georgia.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – A famous actor has dumped his slightly less famous actress girlfriend ending a romance that started on the set of some film that the couple appeared in together.