MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin says he is excited but still waiting until Christmas Day before opening his gift from United States President Elect Donald Trump.

CHARLOTTE, NC – After viewing a viral video supporting Gary Johnson, local voter Travis Pickett says he will now vote for Johnson.

OMAHA, NE – Staring out the window of his home, seven-year-old Billy Tanner, sits silently, sipping his strawberry lemonade thinking about how good things used to be, back when things were simpler.

JACKSONVILLE, NC – While details remain unclear, Uncle Dean may or may not have just sent you a picture of his penis.

NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ fans have been promised that retiring shortstop Derek Jeter will be taken upstate to live out the rest of his years on a farm.

LOS ANGELES, CA –Rich, white men from across the country say they are getting sick and tired of being exposed as racists.

“I’m sick and damn tired of people finding out that I’m a racist! I can’t even use the ‘N’ word in the privacy of my own house anymore,” said millionaire Roderick Bennington. “What good is having all of this money if you can’t undermine and subjugate those you perceive as being less than you?”

MOUNT VERNON, WA – A report recently released by the Department of Animal Rights and Welfare concludes that Lewis is bad dog.

WASHINGTON, DC – With approval from both Congress and the President, The National Security Agency now has access to every American’s permanent school records.

Every student who attended a school in America has a permanent record that contains information on the student including performance and disciplinary issues.

“We’ve been telling kids for generations that their permanent file will come back to haunt them and now it has,” said Department of Education Secretary, Arne Duncan.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Ho! Ly! Cow people! It seems like it has been for ever since I wrote a column for you guys. I know! I’ve missed you too.