SEATTLE, WA – Local 17-year-old, Jakob Custors, is commemorating the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s suicide by writing a terrible song.

QUEENS, NY – Local 11-year-old Christian, Bradly Mickleson, wishes he was Jewish so he could celebrate Hanukah and receive gifts for eight consecutive days.

WAYNESVILLE, IN – Local high school student, Roy Garfield, told his family that after graduation he will not be going to college in the fall and that he plans on just “taking a year off and just relaxing.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Ho! Ly! Cow people! It seems like it has been for ever since I wrote a column for you guys. I know! I’ve missed you too.

MISSOULA, MT – The hologram of deceased rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested twice and fathered four children during last month’s Shamalabam Music Festival.

The Ol’ Dirty Bastard hologram appeared during the Wu-Tang Clan rap group’s set.

“We can confirm that the rapper hologram Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested twice this past weekend,” said Missoula Police Department Spokesman Terri Bobrovsky.

SIOUX FALLS, ND – Friends and family of Evan Brouwer are concerned about Brouwer’s sexuality and self image after his recent purchase of a Volkwagen Jetta.

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican’s in Congress are scrambling to pass a new law before the upcoming presidential election that will allow dead people to vote.

If passed, the new voting law will allow a church representative of the dead to cast a vote on their behalf.

“We firmly believe that all people should vote, even people that are no longer with us. Of course I’m talking about dead people,” said Cory Gardner, Republican from Colorado.

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.

TOKYO, JAPAN – As Japan continues to recover from the massive March earthquake, concern is rising that the nation’s used panty vending machine industry may be unable to recover.