Woman Colludes with Russians to Ruin Ex-Boyfriends Birthday
Published August 2018CONWAY, AR – A local woman has been arrested for allegedly conspiring with Russian agents to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s birthday.
Researchers Studying Soccer Players’ Injury Recovery
Published February 2018COLUMBUS, OH – Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are studying soccer players around the world for their unique ability to recover quickly from injury.
House Cats Have Begun Stealing Human Souls
Published August 2017BOSTON, MA – House cats have begun stealing human souls as part of the final phase of their plan to conquer Earth.
Trump Scratches at the Wall for Over an Hour
Published August 2017WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been standing at the wall of the Oval Office for over an hour scratching at a spot on the wall.
“You see this, this is unbelievable,” said Trump. “How can something like this happen? I’m the greatest President in the history of the world. Look at this office. No one has ever decorated it like I have. I’ve got pictures of my daughter, who is insanely beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman in the entire universe, and that’s because my genes are so incredible. Look at her. Just look at her. Just… her."
“You see this, this is unbelievable,” said Trump. “How can something like this happen? I’m the greatest President in the history of the world. Look at this office. No one has ever decorated it like I have. I’ve got pictures of my daughter, who is insanely beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman in the entire universe, and that’s because my genes are so incredible. Look at her. Just look at her. Just… her."
Local Man No Longer Feels Comfortable in His Man-Cave
Published April 2017SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.
Families Agree to Ignore Last Six Months This Holiday
Published October 2016WASHINGTON, DC – American families have unanimously agreed to ignore the last couple months and just enjoy a quiet thanksgiving dinner.
Ohio Changes Voting Laws to Prevent Voter Fraud
Published April 2016COLUMBUS, OH – The Ohio State Senate has approved sweeping changes to voting laws including requiring voters to have a gold-plated voter ID card.
Student Upset He Didn’t Get Chance to Riot
Published April 2016CHAPEL HILL, NC – Duke University student, Tyson Whitman, has expressed his disappointment and frustration that the Duke University basketball team failed to win the NCAA Basketball Championship, thus eliminating any chance Whitman had a participating an associated riot.
Duke University won the NCAA Basketball Championship in 2015, spurring Whitman to enroll at the university.
Local Man Still Showing Off His Segway
Published January 2016LONG BEACH, CA – Despite a steep decline in sales and popularity, local man Kenny Drew sill shows off his Segway at every opportunity.
Man Will Take Down Christmas Lights When He Feels Like It
Published December 2015MODESTO, CA – Local Man Dennis Clarke has told his family, friends and neighbors that he’ll take down his fucking Christmas lights when he fucking feels like it.
