WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

NORTH POLE – Authors of a new book about Rudolph the “red-nosed reindeer” promise to change the way the Christmas icon is remembered.

WASHINGTON, DC – White House staff has removed all tinsel from White House Christmas decorations after President Donald Trump was seen pulling Tinsel off a Christmas tree and eating it.

DETROIT, MI – According to a recent report by the World Health Organization, most of the America’s population describes themselves as unhappy.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has spent the last several weeks planning a trick-or-treat route to ensure he gets “only the best” candy on Halloween.

“Trump has made it clear that his number one priority right now is putting together a trick-or-treat route that will ensure he gets good candy, like full candy bars or really expensive candy,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

SEATTLE, WA – The company behind the popular Dungeons & Dragons role playing game has announced a new expansion set giving players more options for character classes and new campaigns.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new Executive Order has been signed by President Trump making it illegal for businesses to sell donuts with holes in the middle.
“We are getting ripped off with our donuts. We always have been. It’s Obama’s fault. And Crooked Hillary. And also the fake news media,” said Trump.

WASHINGTON, DC – During a joint press conference with the President of Argentina, Mauricio Macri, President Trump said he would like to open negotiations with the fictional country of Mordor.
Although Mordor is a fictional land from the popular book series Lord of the Rings, Trump said that he would be reaching out to the country’s leader to set up some “face-to-face time.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Several phsyicians have proposed a sweeping review of all medical procedure names with the possibility of renaming those procedures to “something a little happier.”

HEAVEN – In a statement to the human race, god apologized for an error in his creation model that generated a higher percentage of male creeps than god had intended.