Local Christian Boy Wishes He Was Jewish
Published November 2013QUEENS, NY – Local 11-year-old Christian, Bradly Mickleson, wishes he was Jewish so he could celebrate Hanukah and receive gifts for eight consecutive days.
Deadly War on Christmas Enters Fifth Year
Published November 2009WASHINGTON, D.C. – Five years ago the world became embroiled in a new war, one that has divided the world, especially the United States, along religious lines. That war is the War Against Christmas.
The war started simply enough – with one person trying to be considerate and another being a complete and total asshole.
Palin Resumes Watch Over Russia
Published February 2009JUNEAU, AK – With the election and holidays behind her, Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, has returned to her post keeping an eye on, and protecting America from Russia.
Polygamists Not Really Looking Forward to Valentines Day
Published January 2006COLORADO CITY, AZ – According to local reports, polygamists in the small town of Colorado City are not looking forward to the Valentines Day holiday. With several males in the town taking more than one wife, the holiday has been expensive and time consuming for these same men in years past.
Santa Claus Arrested In Decade Long Counterfeit Sting
Published November 2005NORTH POLE – After several years and hundreds of man hours, the Federal Bureau of Investigation said Tuesday that they have made a single arrest in one of the biggest counterfeit goods operations in the world.
Study: Seasonal Depression Linked To Crappy Gifts
Published December 2004DOVER, MA – According to a recent study in the Journal of Scientific Theory, there is direct correlation between winter Seasonal Depression and bad Holiday presents. The study, a joint venture between Brown University and the American Center for Clinical Depression, was held over a five year period and involved interviewing over 7,500 people who said they became depressed or showed signs of depression during the holiday season.
February's Month Status Revoked
Published January 2003BJORN, GREENLAND – A panel meeting to determine the cost-effectiveness of the 12-month calendar decided Thursday to remove the month of February from all American calendars. The decision to revoke February’s Month status was a universal one and came on only the second day of the conference.
45-Year-Old Won't Stop Dressing Like 15-Year-Old
Published December 2001DENVER, CO – An intervention was held Saturday for 45-year-old mother of three Jacqueline Burke in order to help her stop dressing like a 15-year-old hooker. The intervention, supported by friends and family, came as a complete shock to Burke.
Consumer Reports Releases Top "Must Have" Toys
Published November 2001CHICAGO, IL – Even though this holiday season is supposed to be a retailer’s worst nightmare, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the 10 hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. Since the terrorist attacks in September combined with the already sluggish economy, analysts have been predicting the usual fevered spending in the months prior to Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would be at an all time low. The toy report is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.