LOS ANGELES, CA – Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.

SEATTLE, WA – Due to a lack of quality retail space in several of America’s larger markets, Starbucks will begin a new expansion strategy that will open new Starbucks coffee shops inside existing Starbucks. The new Starbucks stores will be smaller than existing ones but will offer a full menu.

WASHINGTON, DC – In order to help alleviate the National debt and pay for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Bush has singed a law allowing for advertising space to be made available on U.S. currency and on the U.S. flag.

DETROIT, MI – To increase subscribers, the driver assistance system OnStar will be unveiling several new features aimed at easing the life of drivers world wide. One of the first new systems to be implemented will be a service to help drivers identify good, out-of-the-way places to bury dead bodies.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Jesus Christ, religious figurehead for millions, will not be returning to Earth this month as was previously scheduled. This latest announcement marks the 11th time Christ has postponed his return to Earth in the past 200 years.

WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.

SPACE, TIME – Earlier this week Father Time responded to reports that he has fathered at least 12 illegitimate children with nine different mothers over the last quarter century by saying simply “Hell no, I ain’t their daddy.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Riding both the highs and lows of landing two separate spacecraft on the surface of Mars, NASA announced this week that a manned expedition to the red planet will begin preparations later this year for lift off in 2006. To increase visibility and public support, several celebrities have been chosen to man the first mission to Mars.

PORTLAND, OR – After winning a recent Powerball Lottery drawing worth nearly 300 million dollars, Jesus Christ has decided to give nearly two-thirds of the money away. The money will be given away as part of an essay contest held between the different Christian denominations.

GERESK, AFGHANISTAN – A recent discovery in an abandoned cave in northern Afghanistan is causing some “uncomfortable feelings” in the White House.