SAN JOSE, CA – After decades of imprisonment, the Peanuts gang has finally been freed. With the recent death of the group’s captor, Charles Schultz, Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus and several others may finally return to their families. Nearly 50 years ago, the children were abducted near their school and locked away in a room located in the basement of Schultz California estate. Schultz kept them there and had them “perform” while he sketched them and turned the group’s misery and depression into one of America’s longest running comic strips.

SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.