CHICAGO, IL – In a three year study that has just concluded, scientists at the University of Chicago have been testing the widely accepted theory that once you go black, you never go back.

BOSTON, MA – After an exhaustive five year study, a research team from Harvard University has been able to prove a link exists between overweight people and an “insane love for food.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While waiting for a ruling on his appeals, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been busy in his free time reviewing images for his first prison tattoo.

TUCSON, AZ – A report released last week by a research team at University of Arizona concluded that Country Music is terrible and should be avoided at all costs.

PHOENIX, AZ – With the recent rash of deaths of homeless and infirm peoples due to heat throughout the Southwest, some people are taking to the streets and demanding that Mother Nature end the heat wave.

RALEIGH, NC – With Hippie Jam Fest season entering its second month, another large Hippie Jam Fest, named Jampalooma, is expected to reach the Southern coast of North Carolina early next week.

DOVER, MA – According to a recent study in the Journal of Scientific Theory, there is direct correlation between winter Seasonal Depression and bad Holiday presents. The study, a joint venture between Brown University and the American Center for Clinical Depression, was held over a five year period and involved interviewing over 7,500 people who said they became depressed or showed signs of depression during the holiday season.

HOUSTON, TX – A recent survey by Car & Truck magazine concluded that there exists an indirect relation between the lift in a truck and the size of the owner’s penis – meaning that as the size of the lift increases, the penis size decreases. Although the relationship had been previously speculated by much of the American population, the survey marks the first documented evidence of the correlation.

COLLEGE PARK, MD – A recently concluded study is causing waves in the food industry as scientists at the University of Maryland have discovered that despite commonly held beliefs, food dropped on the floor is not free of germs, dirt or bacteria if picked up within five seconds.

GOLDEN, CO – In a joint study recently released by the National Health Organization and Coors Brewing Company, the effects of alcohol have been proved to include many positive effects and consequences. Long thought only to cause problems, scientists now say that alcohol is very important in entertainment and increasing the quality of life.