DOUGLASVILLE, GA – Atlanta Falcon running back Michael Turner has apologized to his fantasy football coach, Nathaniel Tiggs, for his sub par performance in last week’s game.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the economy is recession, The United States Government has issued recommendations to taxpayers on how to spend their economic stimulus checks.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the race for the Democratic nomination yielding no clear victor after months of debates and primaries, the Democratic Party officials have decided the Presidential nomination will go to the winner of a “your momma” battle.

WASHINTON, D.C. – In a controversial ruling, the United States Supreme Court eased legislation to allow companies more freedom when advertising products and services including allowing for statements that are not proven true.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.

NEW YORK, NY – With grocery stores and fast food restaurants catering to America’s new diet trend, a group of three New York models are marketing a new diet which the models say “will revolutionize weight loss as we know it.”

AURORA – CA, Halfway through the Secret Santa gift exchange at the Peterson, Sloan and Dietz law firm’s annual Christmas party, a gift was given to Victoria Lane that thinly veiled the sexual desire of the giver. The gift, a Swiss Colony Beef-Log, a gift certificate to Fredrick’s of Hollywood and a 64oz bottle of KY Jelly was given to Lane by her coworker James Wazler.

LINCOLN, NE – A small pharmaceutical company in Nebraska plans to market a new pill which the company reports will allow women to orgasm 97% faster, bringing the female orgasm within minutes of the male. Medi-Drug Pharmaceuticals will release the pill nation wide, pending approval from the FDA, under the name Fasm. The name comes from the combining the words fast and orgasm.

BATON ROUGE, LA – In a study released last week, the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that women would be capable of accomplishing more both in the home and in the office if they only “kept their mouths shut.”

DES MOINES, IA – During a press conference given to the Sports Writers Guild of America, God announced the sports teams that he will be “pulling for” this year. The announcement came as a surprise to sportswriters all over the country, as previously, God’s dealings in the sports world were held secret until the championship game where he is thanked by the winning team.