TUCSON, AZ – Friends of local man Jay Ralllan have committed to no longer inviting him to any social event or gathering until he learns to put down his fucking phone.

CINCINNATI, OH – A Twitter outage has prevented local teen Dakota Lundstrom from communicating with her friends about her love of waffles.

SANTA CRUZ, CA – An epidemic is sweeping the nation as the popular website Twitter is being used more and more regularly to post vague and generally uninteresting messages.