GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA – Six Flags, Inc, operators of several theme parks in both the US and Canada, has purchased the controversial Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp and will turn the area into a new, family oriented theme park.

KABOL, AFGHANASTAN – Those closest to him are reporting that Al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden may be retiring from terrorism at the end of the year. Over the past couple years, bin Laden has expressed growing interest in pursuing other hobbies and possibly opening his own coffee shop in the mountains of Pakistan.

CLEVELAND, OH – A local woman has told her co-workers that she understands, better than anyone else she knows, the current crisis in Kenya because her friend’s nanny is from South Africa.

BELLEVUE, WA – In an effort to become the number one discount travel website, Expedia.com has announced new features that the company hopes will draw more business.

NORTHERN ISRAEL – With the war between Hezbollah and Israel stretching into another month of intense fighting, the Israel Defense Force is set to deploy a secret weapon – a highly trained strike force of Woody Allen clones.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush admitted in a press conference today that some of the intelligence received previous to the Iraq war was incorrect. The source of the problem, he said, could be traced back to a typo. Instead of “Iraq,” a key document should have read “Iran.”

WASHINGTON, DC – After hundreds of thousands have protested recent proposals for overhauling the immigration system, President Bush will be touring the nation in support of a new proposal for both protecting United States borders and ensuring the availability of cheap labor.

CINCINNATI, OH – The recent wave of cartoon provoked violence has reached the United States as cartoonist Tom Wilson, the cartoonist responsible for the Ziggy cartoon, was rushed to a hospital for injuries received in an apparent attack. A group calling themselves People Against Shitty-ass Cartoons That Suck, or PASCTS, have claimed responsibility for the attack.

NORTH POLE – After several years and hundreds of man hours, the Federal Bureau of Investigation said Tuesday that they have made a single arrest in one of the biggest counterfeit goods operations in the world.

VATICAN CITY – Word was released late last month, shortly after the selection of Joseph Ratzinger as the 265th Pope, that many other, non-Cardinals, were nominated by church officials to take on the role of Pope. Of these outside sources, actor Will Smith was a rumored favorite.