NEWARK, DELAWARE – In what is being described as a major coup, many prominent witches have given their endorsement to Delaware Senate hopeful, Christine O’Donnell.

BETHESDA, MD – At a rally just outside of Bethesda, Jesus Christ announced to a gathered crowd of more than 35,000 that he wants the recently passed Health Care Reform legislation repealed.
“This so-called ‘health reform’ is illegal and un-American,” said Christ. “Obama and his team of communists have forced health care down our throats. This isn’t what I teach!”

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.

SEDONA, AZ – Only a few weeks after rejecting the endorsement of two controversial preachers, John McCain has announced that he has rejected yet another endorsement from a religious leader. In a public statement, McCain has denounced any connection to Jesus Christ.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Jesus Christ, religious figurehead for millions, will not be returning to Earth this month as was previously scheduled. This latest announcement marks the 11th time Christ has postponed his return to Earth in the past 200 years.

COLORADO CITY, AZ – According to local reports, polygamists in the small town of Colorado City are not looking forward to the Valentines Day holiday. With several males in the town taking more than one wife, the holiday has been expensive and time consuming for these same men in years past.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced his nomination for Sandra Day O’Connor’s replacement on the United States Supreme Court during a press conference late last week. Bush’s selection, Jesus H. Christ, is a popular nomination among conservatives but the nomination will likely come under fire from Democrats.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Following in the footsteps of Professional Boxing, the pornography industry will soon allow companies to sponsor actors and actresses. The Porn Actors Guild has OK’d the use of temporary tattoos on performers during filming of adult films.

PORTLAND, OR – After winning a recent Powerball Lottery drawing worth nearly 300 million dollars, Jesus Christ has decided to give nearly two-thirds of the money away. The money will be given away as part of an essay contest held between the different Christian denominations.