NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Conspiracy theorists across the globe were redeemed this week as it was revealed that the true man behind the war in Iraq is not George W. Bush but rather Charlie Anderson, President of the Country Music Association.
“Yes it’s true. It’s all true. I am the one behind this war. I’m not afraid to admit it. You think that Bush and Cheney did this? Hell no. It took the Country Music Association to step up to the plate and get Saddam out of there,” said Anderson. “Country music sales were slumping and sometimes it takes drastic measures to get drastic results. Already Country Music is coming up ok. Sales are through the roof for the month of March.”
Over the past couple weeks, many began to suspect that someone other than President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair were behind the war with Iraq though many thought it concerned the oil industry.
“That fact that Bush isn’t behind this isn’t really a shocker, but that Country Music is… wow. We all thought it was the oil companies and Cheney but… wow. We would have never seen this coming,” said war protester Steven J. Gails.
Anderson made the announcement at a benefit dinner for Veterans in Country Music after being asked what he thought of the way Bush and Blair were handling the war.
“Country Music saw its biggest growth as an industry during and after the first Gulf War. After seeing slumping record sales for the second consecutive year I decided something had to be done. So, I went to war. Sure so Americans and Iraqi’s might die but damn it! This is America and what is America without country music? All I have to say is welcome back Billy Ray Cyrus, been a long time,” said Anderson.
According to Anderson, the only set back thus far has involved the Dixie Chicks.
“I don’t know what that dumpy little turd was doing. Ashamed to be from Texas. Damn her. She almost cost us a war. Luckily we have exiled her and will take her portion of the proceeds and give it to Bush’s re-election campaign,” Anderson.
If the war does not produce a rise in country music sales Anderson has his sights set on North Korea.
“I’ve got those Korean bastards in my pocket. If this Iraq thing doesn’t pan out then hello North Korea,” Anderson said.