HOLLYWOOD, CA – A famous actor has dumped his slightly less famous actress girlfriend of nine months ending a whirlwind romance that started on the set of some film that the couple appeared in together.
“You know, we just clicked,” the famous actor said in an interview with some entertainment magazine. “From that very first scene when I was looking at her, and I was supposed to be in love with her, it just clicked. At that point I was acting, but after a day or so, I realized that I didn’t need to act any more. I really was in love with her. I know it sounds amazing, but it’s true. But after a while, I realized I was in love with her character, not the woman. That’s the problem with this business. It didn’t help that I’m more famous than she is and my publicist said I people had stopped paying attention to me.”
According to paparazzi photos, the famous actor has recently been seen with some no-name skank, prompting every news agency in the country to speculate that the famous actor was cheating on the slightly less famous actress.
“He was totally cheating on her,” said a moderately famous entertainment reporter. “He had to be. There is no way that someone as famous as him will just happen to meet some no name skank like that. What? Did she wait on him at some highly over-priced restaurant? That would be ridiculous. Who meets someone in a restaurant? She must be a hooker. Famous actors love to bang hookers. It’s a power thing.”
The slightly less famous actress has spent the last week locked away in her million dollar mansion, which is located next door to some really famous actress.
“We’ve been sitting here since news broke that the famous actor had dumped this chick and no one has seen her,” said a fat, worthless waste of human existence photographer. “That stupid piece of shit photographer over there thought he saw the slightly less famous actress in a window the other day but it was just a bird. The second the slightly less famous actress pops her head out of that house I’m gonna get some pictures of her face and hopefully have her bodyguard punch me.”
Several friends of the couple, with varying degrees of fame, have offered their support or condemnation of the famous actor and slightly less famous actress as dictated by publicists.
“He should go to hell. I mean I loved him in that movie he did and all, and I would love to work with him, but she was such a great person,” one of the lesser known celebrity friends said. “I mean, sure she’s not quite famous as the famous actor is, but her star is rising. Hell, she might one day be bigger than him. It’ll take a little bit since she is a woman, but still. She’s a keeper if you ask me. Hell, I’d fuck her if I wasn’t attached to someone who is already more famous than she is.”
An actor who has not been famous in over ten years and who once filmed a scene with the famous actor in 1993 had advice for the famous actor on how to handle the negative publicity that has recently surrounded the famous actor.
“If I were him, I wouldn’t listen to all those jackasses,” the washed up actor said. “Back in my day, I banged every costar I had. Even some of the dudes. The thing that he’s got to realize is that he may not always be the big, famous guy. One day, they’ll move on to someone younger and hotter than him and BOOM! No more pussy for him. Trust me, I know. Not everyone can be like old what’s his name and carry that sex appeal well into his 60s. Nope, it just doesn’t happen so you gotta hit it and quit it, as the kids say.”
The less famous actress is next scheduled to appear in some romantic comedy about a guy that falls for a girl and enlists another girl to help him win the heart of the girl he likes but ultimately realizes that it is the girl that is helping him win the heart of the other girl that he loves. The movie is scheduled to make $53 million over a brief box office run in early 2011.
At press time President Obama has not commented on the breakup despite repeated calls to the White House.