27 Clubers Complaining About Growing Membership

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AFTERLIFE – Long-time members of the famous 27 Club are voicing concerns that the club is no longer exclusive as more people are allowed to become members. Since its inception, the 27 Club has had fairly strict rules about who can, or cannot be admitted to the club.

“Man, they are letting anyone in (to the 27 Club),” said Jimi Hendrix. “It use to be that you had to be a genius who died too soon or someone who changed the way we look at things. Look at Kurt (Cobain) over there. He changed popular music forever! But now the club owners are letting just about anyone in. For fucks sake, there is a bass player over there! A bass player!”

The club, whose members include Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Jean-Michel Basquiat, has added 10 new members since 2000 while only adding 15 members in the previous 30 years.

“That is just too many, way too many,” Cobain said. “When I got into the club, there hadn’t been a new member for almost 25 years. Now, as I look around the room, I don’t even know who half of these fucks are. It’s sad really. This used to be a really special thing. But now, it’s like the fucking Mile High Club. Anyone who gets a hurried bathroom hand job thinks that they qualify.”

According to club owners, 27 Club membership is based on the age of the person when they died, their level of celebrity and influence on art. The later two, level of celebrity and influence on art, are the criteria long-time members say no longer apply.

“Amy Winehouse was let in last month. Amy Winehouse. That chick had one album that was worth a shit and a shitload of drug problems. That’s all,” said Joplin. “She was more famous for doing drugs then she was for her impact on music. And drug problems aren’t even a big deal with musicians. Hell, 80% of musicians are high 90% of the time. Do you know how high I was all the time? Really fucking high. I was high way more than I was sober. But on top of the drugs, I made a huge impact on the music world and basically paved the way for women like Amy Winehouse. And what does Amy do with what I sacrificed for her? She didn’t do shit – except for a shitload of drugs. Her one album wasn’t even that good. It’s a god damned travesty.”

The club, located in Purgatory, is popular amongst young artists and musicians, many of whom hope to be allowed membership when they die at the age of 27.

“When I was just a kid, I heard about the club and I knew, right then, that was the only thing that I had ever wanted,” Cobain said. “I worked my ass off to make my mark before I hit 27, just to make sure that I was going to get in. Now, it’s a fucking joke. The whole sanctity of the club is ruined now. Not only do we have the fucking sound guy for some shit ‘prog-rock’ band, we have a fucking bass player in here. Look, he’s right over there, by himself, because he’s too much of a loser for anyone to talk to. The minute they let a bass player in, you start to think that this is a club you don’t want to be a part of anymore.”

While the 27 Club is seen as one of the most prestigious club an artist can get into, many older artists are trying to dissuade youngsters from joining.

“It’s a shame really, all those kids offing themselves early just to get into a stupid club,” said singer songwriter David Bowie. “I was asked to join the club, but when I took a look at it I decided to pass. I mean look at it this way. If I had joined them, I wouldn’t have gotten to bang Iman. Or hell, even Mick Jager. When I think about all the things that I would have missed out on if I had joined, it almost makes me cry. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell these youngsters. Think about all the people that you’re not going to get to bang because you joined a stupid loser club. Think about it.”

Despite the complaints by current members, 27 Club officials have no plans to change the entrance requirements.

“This club is a great club and by allowing more people in we are only increasing the popularity of the club,” said Saint Cecilia, the patron saint of Musicians. “If we open the doors a little bit we make the club a little bit more accessible and we give hope to even more, perhaps only marginally talented musicians. So now everyone thinks they can get in, and, yeah, everyone wants to get in. It’s all fucking business, man.”

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