Hollywood to Revamp Oscars

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There is plenty of speculation as to what the Oscar statue will look like when hoisted by next years winners.
There is plenty of speculation as to what the Oscar statue will look like when hoisted by next years winners.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Just a week after the broadcast of the 73rd Academy Awards, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has announced big changes for next year’s Oscars ceremony. In an effort to appeal to a younger, hipper crowd, the Academy’s governing board has decided to give not only the Oscar Award itself a makeover, but also drastically change the format of the show and the categories.

This year’s award show was the lowest rated Oscars broadcast since 1984 and failed to capture the attention of younger demographics. Plans for the overhaul have already begun and will include MTV’s Carson Daily as next year’s host.

“We here at the Academy feel that the awards show has lost some of its luster in the past few years,” said Academy Board member, Dian Steinwhick. “The way we’ve been going, we have been missing out on the key 15-28 year old group and we here at the Academy feel we need those viewers to survive in this ‘Reality Show’ driven market. We have extensively studied other awards shows and we feel that our next ceremony will be the best ever.”

Designs are being drawn up for a new stage look that will include various pyrotechnics and what is being described as a 50 foot rendition of what Joan Rivers used to look like. The most dramatic change, however, will be a reinventing of the classic Oscar Statue. Though the plans are being kept under tight wraps, Steinwhick hinted at some changes that the board has been toying with.

“I can’t say much right now, but the new Oscar is going to be special,” Steinwhick said. “We are considering several designs at the moment. Some of the designs have tattoos of various sizes and multiple body piercings, you know, things that kids are crazy about but that I don’t understand. We are also thinking about making the Oscar gender specific, with new statues that we are calling the ‘Dirk’ and the ‘Dolly.’ But like I said, these are only possibilities, the final statue design is quite a ways off. I mean it is entirely possible that we end up with a midget in a wheelchair statue… it’s just way to early to tell.”

Another bold move that the Academy is debating will add 12 more categories and deleting some of the less-glamorous ones like “Best Documentary.” Among the new categories are “Best Unnecessary Nudity,” “Best Movie Not Starring Brad Pitt,” and “Vomit Inducing Movie of the Year.” The Academy would also change the names of some existing categories. The “Best Actor” will become “Hottest Hunk,” the “Best Actress” will become “Hottest Hottie” and the coveted “Best Picture” will now be known as the “Holy Shit! Was That a Great Fuckin’ Movie!”

For the most part, the Hollywood community is supporting the changes and is eager to hear and see the final decisions.

“I think it’s a welcome change that will benefit everyone involved,” said director William B. Denstien. “Everyone knows that the ‘Best Actor’ and ‘Best Director’ awards haven’t gone to the ‘best.’ Seriously, Gwyneth Paltrow? My shit could act better then her. I think it’s high time we actually start calling the awards by what they really are. And the fact that this year’s ‘Best Picture’ was Gladiator! I mean come on! I haven’t seen that many homosexual overtones since I went to a Pet Shop Boys concert in San Francisco.”

The board is scheduled to meet twice a week for the next 4 months and the new direction should be established by September. Some Hollywood studios are already altering their game plan by tossing out “complicated, plot-driven scripts” and Warner Brothers has already started a national campaign to find “America’s hottest Guy and Gal.”


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