NEW YORK, NY – With grocery stores and fast food restaurants catering to America’s new diet trend, a group of three New York models are marketing a new diet which the models say “will revolutionize weight loss as we know it.”

AURORA – CA, Halfway through the Secret Santa gift exchange at the Peterson, Sloan and Dietz law firm’s annual Christmas party, a gift was given to Victoria Lane that thinly veiled the sexual desire of the giver. The gift, a Swiss Colony Beef-Log, a gift certificate to Fredrick’s of Hollywood and a 64oz bottle of KY Jelly was given to Lane by her coworker James Wazler.

CONCORD, NH – After a brief manhunt, Jack Frost turned himself in to local authorities late last week to face charges of sexual misconduct and molestation. According to police reports, six separate snowmen and three snow-angels have accused Frost of fondling and “naughty touching” during various parties at Frost’s Lebanon, NH home.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After an intensive three months of research, which included many official polls and population consumption rate statistics, the citizens of San Francisco were overjoyed to hear that the real San Francisco treat was Anal-Ease lubricant and not Rice-A-Roni as had been commonly believed.

CHICAGO, IL – A malpractice and wrongful death lawsuit was filed this week against the medical-drama TV show “E.R.” The lawsuit charges that the show’s doctors and nurses could have done more to prevent the death of actor Jessica Easly’s character.

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to improve both revenue and team morale, the Detroit Lions of the National Football League have made public their attempt to clone former Lion running back Barry Sanders. The Lions, who were 3-13 last season, hope the success of the program will once again bring the team into prominence.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.

PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.

BATON ROUGE, LA – In a study released last week, the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that women would be capable of accomplishing more both in the home and in the office if they only “kept their mouths shut.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shortly after game seven of the 2002 World Series ended, Jesus Christ made it official; he hates the San Francisco Giants. Despite prayers and sacrifices by both players and fans, Christ punished the Giants and was the cause of their failure to beat cross state rivals the Anaheim Angles.