WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced last week the government’s plan to bailout the struggling Lehman brothers, Jim and Hank, of Baltimore, MD. The Lehman brothers have found themselves in economic trouble after two years of extravagant living, causing the government to sit up and take action before the Lehman brother’s assets are liquidated.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.

SAN BERNIDINO, CA – The star of a popular viral video says that while he is happy with his recent success as an internet star, he would really like to turn his attention to directing.

DES MOINES, IA – A Human Resources’ presentation on sexual harassment in the workplace was marred by giggles and whispers late last week forcing presenters and officials to stop the meeting several times. The interruptions did not subside until the meeting concluded.

NEW YORK, NY – In a radical move to show the world that Americans will stand defiantly in the face of terrorism, plans were unveiled this month to change the Statue of Liberty to a more “aggressive and purely American” stance. The proposed change, among others, will remove the torch from the statues hand, replacing it with a handgun.

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of capitalizing on a large population of homosexuals living in the Seattle area, local entrepreneur, Terri Jillette, is opening the countries first Gay Care facility.

IRVIVE, CA – Actress and former Playboy Playmate, Jenny McCarthy, is disappearing from existence, becoming more and more transparent with each passing day. If she is unable to reverse the process, McCarthy will disappear from reality altogether in a matter of weeks.

ENGLEWOOD, CO – In a surprising and risky move, the telecommunication company MCI has decided to replace its entire sales workforce with children ranging from ages six to eight-years-old.

LUBBUCK, TX – The sexuality of local man Donnie Ray Stevenson was tested earlier this week when he accidentally saw a new film about two homosexual cowboys, Brokeback Mountain.

NORTH POLE – After several years and hundreds of man hours, the Federal Bureau of Investigation said Tuesday that they have made a single arrest in one of the biggest counterfeit goods operations in the world.