WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking Post-Election revelation, the source of the mysterious Qanon conspiracy theory has been revealed to be the marketing team for the soft drink Mountain Dew.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A specialized cleaning crew has been called in to the Oval Office after White House staff discovered a large number of boogers that President Trump had smeared underneath the Resolute desk.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –The National Police Union has approved new white, robe-like police uniforms that will demonstrate a “commitment to peace and harmony”.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In order to persuade President Trump to wear a mask, White House officials told the president his masks are made from used underwear previously worn by porn stars.

PORTLAND, OR – As several states now require people to wear masks to slow the spread of COVID-19, Nike is set to release a new Nike Air Face Mask that will utilize air pump technology to contour the mask to the wearer’s face.

NEW YORK, NY – Facing an overworked healthcare system due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is calling on any actor or actress that has ever appeared in a movie, TV show, or play as a medical professional to report to their closest hospital to treat patients.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Democratic National Committee (DNC) leaders are scheduling urgent meetings to discuss how to get people to vote for candidates that the DNC wants them to vote for in the upcoming primaries instead of the candidates that the voter’s actually prefer.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Thousands of middle-aged white people have scheduled a protest next month in Washington, D.C. to bring focus to the diminishing value of their white privilege.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As smartphones have become an increasingly important part of our lives some experts are growing concerned we may be developing an addicted to our phones.

WILMINGTON, NC – Jesus Christ has apologized for a controversial tweet he made last month after an intense online backlash.