SPACE, TIME – Earlier this week Father Time responded to reports that he has fathered at least 12 illegitimate children with nine different mothers over the last quarter century by saying simply “Hell no, I ain’t their daddy.”

NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Just days after appearing in the desert outside of Tadmur, the alternate universe version of George W. Bush has taken control of Syria by an undisputed win in the countries general election held last week.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ – The new governing council of Iraq voted unanimously Tuesday to elect a new Prime Minister: former World Wrestling Federation champion Iron Sheik. The decision came as a shock to many but remains consistent with Iraq’s new “get tougher on terrorism” campaign.

CHICAGO, IL – A group of friends unanimously decided Thursday that a mutual friend of the group, Royce Burris, was far too proud of being Canadian and far to patriotic. The decision came shortly after Burris’ departure from the group as they enjoyed a dinner at a local Chili’s Restaurant.

COLFAX – VA, December will mark a special month as 126,034 white suburban teenagers all across the United States celebrate their first Kwanzaa. Traditionally an African-American holiday, Kwanzaa is celebrated every year with an increasing number of white teens joining the festivities.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a response to lawsuits filled against music downloaders, one million people filled a joint lawsuit against 200 musicians and several major record labels for breach of contract stating a failure to deliver promised goods. The lawsuit was filled in the Los Angeles County court by a group calling themselves the People Against One-Hit Wonders.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After an intensive three months of research, which included many official polls and population consumption rate statistics, the citizens of San Francisco were overjoyed to hear that the real San Francisco treat was Anal-Ease lubricant and not Rice-A-Roni as had been commonly believed.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well my faithful readers it’s that time of year again. It’s that special time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to romance, the birds and the bees come out to join in their hedonistic dance and the stars of Hollywood come out, though not literally, to give themselves pats on the back. Yep, you guessed it. It’s Oscar time. And let me tell you, I’m as giddy as a virgin on prom night, which for the record I wasn’t, but that’s a whole other story. This truly is a special time of year. Right after the cocaine like high of the Grammys we barely get down when we get to feel the euphoric heroin high that is Hollywood’s night of nights.

RICHMOND, VA – During a conversation held near the coffee maker, Joan Diaz’s coworker Melissa Krawski revealed that she had once engaged in a three-way sexual encounter with a midget and a pre-operation transsexual. Diaz reportedly tried to steer the conversation away from talk of the threesome but the attempt proved futile.