DALLAS, TX – A new product is about to hit the shelves that aims to not only clear confusion and suspicion but also serve a much needed service to men across the country. The device, the HomoDivider, will act as a beverage and snack holder while sitting between two men in public creating what the developers call a “barrier to protect the image of straight men everywhere.”

NORTH POLE – After several years and hundreds of man hours, the Federal Bureau of Investigation said Tuesday that they have made a single arrest in one of the biggest counterfeit goods operations in the world.

VATICAN CITY – Word was released late last month, shortly after the selection of Joseph Ratzinger as the 265th Pope, that many other, non-Cardinals, were nominated by church officials to take on the role of Pope. Of these outside sources, actor Will Smith was a rumored favorite.

BAGHDAD, Iraq – In a survey conducted last month, just under half of Iraqi teens said they are much better now with one or more less parents.

COLFAX – VA, December will mark a special month as 126,034 white suburban teenagers all across the United States celebrate their first Kwanzaa. Traditionally an African-American holiday, Kwanzaa is celebrated every year with an increasing number of white teens joining the festivities.

SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”

TAMPA BAY, FL – Despite never playing a single game of football in his life, 24-year-old Tampa resident Jake Berls declared himself eligible for the NFL draft. Listed as a Quarterback, Berls was confident going into the draft that he would be selected in the first two rounds. Despite his lack of experience, Berls was drafted 17th overall by the Arizona Cardinals.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – The Winter Olympics took another hit Thursday as Ecuadorian officials announced they will be boycotting the 2006 games unless sweeping changes are made to the organization and structure of the Olympics.

WASHINGTON D.C. – The cast of popular MTV reality show “Real World: Washington D.C.” decided Thursday to again remove one of its members. The housemates have asked fellow member Pat Buchanan to leave the house on his own or he will be kicked out.

HOUSTON, TX – Scientists at DNA Research Laboratories in Houston, TX have isolated what they believe to be the gene that causes ‘shifting’ in males. The discovery may lead to treatments and help to prevent the defect in future generations.