JUAREZ, MEXICO – South American pigs have released a deadly, genetic terrorist attack on the world in the form of a swine flu virus. To date, over 150 people have died from the attack and another several thousand have contracted the disease.
Shortly after reports of the attack began to appear, the leader of the Animalism Swine Liberation Force released a video taking credit for the attack.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.

TOKYO, JAPAN – At an electronic gaming convention in Japan this week the next generation of video game consoles were on display giving the world glimpses into the future of video game playing. Most of the new features on all the consoles revolve around making the gaming experience more encompassing and easier on the player by including things such as feeding tubes and revolutionary waste disposal/power conversion system.

REDWOOD, CA – In an effort to cash in on some publicity and make a little money, Wanda and Dave Roman have decided to put their baby, little Dave Jr., up for auction on the website eBay. The baby, which bears a resemblance to former President Abraham Lincoln, has a starting bid of five dollars.

OLSO, NORWAY – Scientists in Norway think they may have isolated the gene that is responsible for the growth of dark scars, commonly referred to as tattoos, on females in their late teens. The break through came as a result of two years of exhaustive research and may lead to preventing the disease which currently affects 80% of American women age 18-21.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND- The World Health Organization announced Friday that the SARS virus is now the most contagious disease in recorded history. At the time the announcement was made, Cooties was classified as the most contagious followed closely by Pac-Man Fever.

RICHMOND, VA – During a conversation held near the coffee maker, Joan Diaz’s coworker Melissa Krawski revealed that she had once engaged in a three-way sexual encounter with a midget and a pre-operation transsexual. Diaz reportedly tried to steer the conversation away from talk of the threesome but the attempt proved futile.

NEW HAVEN, CT – In an unprecedented court case, Mitch Dennis, 18, has filed a lawsuit against Emily Daniels, 18, for false advertisement. The suit stems from an incident on August 30th when Daniels reportedly wore a T-shirt proclaiming herself as a “Hottie.” Dennis argues that Daniels is in fact not a “Hottie” but rather unattractive in whole, thereby misleading him.

GNOME, AK – Shocking and disturbing news came out of the North Pole this week as a witness stepped forward and exposed the described “hell hole” that is Santa’s Workshop.