SEATTLE, WA – Starbucks will be expanding its menu next month, rolling out new dick flavored coffee drinks to stores across the country.
“When looking for a new flavor we asked ourselves ‘what do people, at least most people, like?’ the answer was obvious; dick,” said Starbucks Flavor Engineer, Kylie Kearns. “And the love of dick is worldwide. Almost every single woman has had a dick in their mouth at some point."

LONG BEACH, CA – Despite a steep decline in sales and popularity, local man Kenny Drew sill shows off his Segway at every opportunity.

NEW YORK CITY – The travel magazine, Destination Awesome, has released its list of the top five 2015 Spring Break destinations.

SEATTLE, WA – Spokespeople for Microsoft have begun telling customers that the United States government will soon prohibit the sales of Microsoft Windows phones so customers should stock up on the phones now, while they are still available.

“The government is gonna come in to our homes and take away our Microsoft Windows phones!” said Microsoft employee Racheal Gregor.

FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response suggesting that each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards.

“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns.”

CHICAGO, IL — Over the past years Consumer Reports has provided parents with a valuable list: the hottest toys for the upcoming Holiday season. Retailers across the country often stock up on the highlighted toys in order to satisfy the anticipated high demand and hopefully minimize the violent incidents that have happened in the past between crazed parents.

FREDERICK, MD – Last month Treddle signed up for Twitter with the username FuckRogers6969696 and came to regret the decision almost immediately.

TOKYO, JAPAN – As Japan continues to recover from the massive March earthquake, concern is rising that the nation’s used panty vending machine industry may be unable to recover.

DALLAS, TX – To increase gay awareness, gay rights groups including the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) have adopted “truck nuts” as a symbol of gay pride.

NEW YORK, NY – Retailers across the country are beginning to use extreme measures in order to get people shopping over the holiday season.