OMAHA, NE – Staring out the window of his home, seven-year-old Billy Tanner, sits silently, sipping his strawberry lemonade thinking about how good things used to be, back when things were simpler.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The investigation in to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email during her time as United States Secretary of State has revealed more than 80 percent of the emails sent or received by Clinton were Twilight fan fiction and pantsuit catalogs.

“(The FBI) reviewed all available emails and while we found nothing to indicate a violation of any law, we did find a shockingly large number of Twilight fan fiction stories and pantsuit catalogs,” said FBI Director, James Comey.

NEW YORK, NY – In an effort to appeal to both women and Hispanic voters, Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump, told a room full of supporters and reporters he would consider marrying “an ok looking Mexican broad.”

“I like broads. And they like me,” said Trump during the campaign stop in Evansville, IN. “I know some women that have said they like me a lot. And those, whatyoucall’em… Mexicans? Yeah, they like me too. I’m huge with them.”

COLUMBUS, OH – The Ohio State Senate has approved sweeping changes to voting laws including requiring voters to have a gold-plated voter ID card.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a pre-vacation ruling, the Supreme Court has issued one of its most controversial rulings, upholding Comcast’s right to demand customer’s first-born children as payment.

ALBUQUERQUE, NM – The internet is buzzing after a recent blog post suggested a local 6-year-old predicted the rise of ISIS with a picture drawn three years ago.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Confused as to why minorities continue to live in Florida, the Florida State government has announced that it will be more direct in it’s efforts to make minorities feel unwelcome in the state.

WASHINGTON, DC – With approval from both Congress and the President, The National Security Agency now has access to every American’s permanent school records.

Every student who attended a school in America has a permanent record that contains information on the student including performance and disciplinary issues.

“We’ve been telling kids for generations that their permanent file will come back to haunt them and now it has,” said Department of Education Secretary, Arne Duncan.

VATICAN CITY – Now that a new Pope, Francis I, has taken his place as the head of the Catholic Church, details are beginning to leak as to just how the new Pope was elected.

WASHINGTON, DC – With the presidential election well in the past, most republican Christians are relieved that they can finally go back to being skeptical and suspicious of Mormons.