TORONTO, CANADA – For the 57th consecutive year, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not play in the Super Bowl, frustrating a dedicated and passionate fan base.

NEW YORK, NY – Following the success of the “Manning Cast” for NFL games, ESPN will be launching a new live commentary option for professional sporting events featuring drunk, racist uncles.

BALTIMORE, MD – The former guitarist of a punk band has admitted that he wishes he had sold out when given the opportunity years ago.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States of America set a new COVID record as the number of people who claimed the pandemic was a hoax only to then get infected by COVID rose to over two million.

GLENDALE, AZ – After being visited by three ghosts, local businessman Walter Bandict, has announced that he will no longer offer his employees paid time off and medical benefits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump released a statement late last evening indicating that the United States of America will return ownership of Alaska to Russia.

IQALUIT, Canada – Inuit people, also known as Eskimos, have more than more than 50 words to describe snow but thanks to rising temperatures and they have been working to create 50 words to describe heat.

“We never needed a word for the not cold because it doesn’t get not cold here. We have words for fire and cooking and what you feel when you rub a penis and vagina together, but we had nothing for the concept of not cold as related to weather,” said Inuit Elder Ma’hai Kunik.

DALLAS, TX – Local 10-year-old Jacob Entwhurst has informed his parents that he may have contracted Ebola that he should be quarantined for the next month.

OMAHA, NB – With suburban white fear at an all-time high, parents across the country are approaching Halloween differently this year, hoping to make sure nothing bad happens to their children.

“It has never been a more dangerous time to be a white Christian,” said Gwen Stringer. “With everything that’s going on with those ISIS people, all the abductions, and the those people… I mean, the situation in Ferguson, oh and let’s not forget Ebola!”

FARGO, ND – After becoming frustrated with the recent NHL lockout, local man Garry Broderick has told his friends and family that he has “given up on those assholes” associated with professional sports.