TORONTO, CANADA – For the 57th consecutive year, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not play in the Super Bowl, frustrating a dedicated and passionate fan base.
“How many fucking years do we have to watch this team miss the fucking Super Bowl,” said lifelong Leafs fan, Tad Winslow. “I’ve been a Leafs fan my whole life and I’m done. Done! Every year the team says it will be different and that they’ll put together a championship team but it’s always a lie. They don’t even have a player that’s had more than one triple-double.”
After being eliminated from the Super Bowl the Maple Leafs fired their hitting and third-base coaches.
“While we appreciate their contributions to the organization, we had to make changes and since we have all these expensive players under crazy complicated contracts, it was just easier to fire some coaches,” said Toronto Maple Leafs, General Manager, Kyle Dubas. “Besides, everyone knows that when a team isn’t doing well it’s the coach’s fault. It’s never the players that are actually playing the game. Nope, definitely the coaches.”
Fans are demanding the team sign high profile players in the off season. One name in particular that is talked about by Toronto area sports radio hosts is Cristiano Ronaldo.
“I think that there are a few missing pieces that will really be able to give our team that much needed edge,” said Toronto Sports Blast host, Stevie Whitter. “Ronaldo is definitely one of those dynamic players that just brings an edge to whoever he plays for. I’m 100 percent confident that if (Ronaldo) were to play here, he would hit 400 home runs without batting an eye. Pun intended! Kobe Bryant is another player that’s on our radar, but you know, he gone a bit underground. Pun also intended!”
Maple Leafs players have also expressed frustration over missing the Super Bowl for the 57th year in a row.
“We all came in to this league to win,” said Maple Leafs captain, John Tavares. “Well… maybe not all of us. That guy over there, the one with the weird mustache thing, I’m not sure he gives a shit about winning. He might. Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t know his name and I’m not even sure he is on the team, but he doesn’t look like a winner to me. He looks like one of those losers that plays for the Chicago Lakers. God I hate that team.”
The Toronto Maple Leafs organization said they are committed to putting a winning team on the field but ask fans for patience.
“Winning is hard and it costs a lot of money,” said Toronto Maple Leafs Chairman, Larry Tanenbaum. “And the fans have to remember a couple things. This team makes a lot of money, that’s true. But we have to pay all the owners and office staff a lot of that money. Most of the money. So there isn’t always very much left to pay players. But we are always looking for young players that we can pay below market and then get rid of them once they demand more money. So if you know any players like that, DM us.”