SALT LAKE CITY, UT – The people of Salt Lake City are eager to welcome the National League Hockey, the whitest of all sports leagues, to the whitest city in America.

DES MOINES, IA – After a record-breaking collegiate career, woman’s college basketball player Caitlin Clark’s accomplishments have been compared to the accomplishments of every male athlete ever.

TORONTO, CANADA – The NHL announced that starting next year advertising will be added to every available spot on the ice, boards, and uniforms.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Several cardboard cutouts of fans started a brawl during a recent Philadelphia Flyers hockey game.

Hello, hello, HELLOOOOOOOO! Oh. My. GOD. It has been forever! It is I, your bestest friend in all of the deep, dark web – Beth Sinclair!

CONWAY, AR – A local woman has been arrested for allegedly conspiring with Russian agents to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s birthday.

DENVER, CO – A lifetime of silliness was validated last week when local man Christopher Meens finally appeared on the Jumbotron during a Colorado Avalanche hockey game.

CLEVELAND, OH – With ratings falling for the fourth consecutive year, the National Basketball Association has announced that it will make sweeping changes to how games are played beginning next season.

Perhaps the biggest change will be to the overall structure of the game. Instead of four 12-minute quarters, an NBA basketball game will last five minutes with each team starting at 98 points.
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“In recent years, (the last five minutes ) is the only part of the game that people actually watch,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver.

BUFFALO, NY – After several years of attempting to destroy Buffalo, New York, Mother Nature has asked the city’s population what it will take to get rid of the city once and for all.

BOULDER, CO – Snowboarders around the world are getting ready to pretend they are actual athletes as they prepare for next month’s Winter Olympics.