WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States of America set a new COVID record as the number of people who claimed the pandemic was a hoax only to then get infected by COVID rose to over two million.
“We’ve reached a grim milestone in irony… well, I guess it’s not really irony at all is it. It’s more just… the exact opposite of irony,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci. “We have reached a new milestone in… karma? Sure, yeah, I’ll go with that. We’ve reached a new milestone in karma as the U.S. has recorded it’s two millionth case of COVID in a person who previous stated that COVID was a hoax. This well exceeds any other country in the world. Mostly because the U.S. has the biggest number of assholes. Yes, even more than France. Also, now that I think about it, it’s not really grim as I think it’s pretty great.”
The new milestone in COVID cases among those who previously said COVID is fake was highlighted by the announcement that Ted Nugent has contracted the virus.
“(Nugent) was really just the icing on the cake,” said Center for Disease Control Data Analyst, Kimberly Verning. “It amazes me how often we’re seeing this though. You’ve got religious people, entertainment people, people from the middle of nowhere saying that this is all bullshit, pardon my French. But then, over the last year, almost every one of them has tested positive for the disease. It’s quite spectacular, actually. To have a group of people in this country that are that fucking stupid, again, pardon my French, is amazing. It’s really fun to watch honestly. The only sad thing is that it’s taking so long for some of them to catch it.”
Those who think COVID is a hoax now account for more than 70% of COVID cases in the U.S. and while that percentage has been on the rise for several months, the enjoyment of that increase by those who do take the virus seriously has not decreased.
“Every time I see an article or a news blurb about some asshole that said COVID was fake news getting COVID I laugh. Every time. It never gets old,” said Washington Post Editor in Chief, Ronald Dawson. “And you see those stories several times a day now and it just brings a little bit of joy in to my heart every time. Things are rough now for everyone but just knowing that there are millions of assholes out there actively working against us all getting through this and they are getting the virus it’s just… a beautiful thing. I would watch a TV show of just interviews of these idiots before and after getting COVD all day long. You hear me Netflix?”
According to a CDC report released last month, those who believe COVID is a hoax or who don’t take the threat seriously are now “one bazillion” times more likely to get the virus.
“It’s really not that unexpected, but yeah, that’s where we’re at,” said Fauci. “As of right now, those who are still holding onto the insane theory that this is a joke are more likely to get the virus than they are to lose the lottery. Do you understand what I’m saying? These people literally have a better chance at winning a lotto jackpot than they have of not catching the virus. Hopefully more and more of these assholes catch it so the rest of us normal people can finally get back to somewhat of a regular life.”