Scared Parents Plan to Make Halloween Safe
Published October 2014OMAHA, NB – With suburban white fear at an all-time high, parents across the country are approaching Halloween differently this year, hoping to make sure nothing bad happens to their children.
“It has never been a more dangerous time to be a white Christian,” said Gwen Stringer. “With everything that’s going on with those ISIS people, all the abductions, and the those people… I mean, the situation in Ferguson, oh and let’s not forget Ebola!”
Group of Pedophiles to Help Find Missing Nigerian Girls
Published May 2014ABUJA, Nigeria – In what is being seen by many as a “last ditch effort” to find the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls, the United States has committed a new group to aid in finding the young girls.
Hot Girls to Replace Alter Boys in Catholic Mass
Published April 2010VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.
“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.
Supreme Court Rules in Favor of False Advertising
Published July 2007WASHINTON, D.C. – In a controversial ruling, the United States Supreme Court eased legislation to allow companies more freedom when advertising products and services including allowing for statements that are not proven true.
Libby Considering First Prison Tattoo
Published July 2007WASHINGTON, D.C. – While waiting for a ruling on his appeals, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been busy in his free time reviewing images for his first prison tattoo.
Lack of Attention Causing Jenny McCarthy To Disappear
Published June 2006IRVIVE, CA – Actress and former Playboy Playmate, Jenny McCarthy, is disappearing from existence, becoming more and more transparent with each passing day. If she is unable to reverse the process, McCarthy will disappear from reality altogether in a matter of weeks.
Millions of Rabbits Gather to Celebrate Death of Their Savior
Published March 2006LONDON – Rabbits all over the world will celebrate the life and death of their lord and savior, Peter Cottontail, this month with a massive gathering in a farm just outside of London.
Scientists Identify 'Tattoo' Gene In American Women
Published July 2004OLSO, NORWAY – Scientists in Norway think they may have isolated the gene that is responsible for the growth of dark scars, commonly referred to as tattoos, on females in their late teens. The break through came as a result of two years of exhaustive research and may lead to preventing the disease which currently affects 80% of American women age 18-21.
Manhunt Over: Jack Frost Arrested
Published October 2003CONCORD, NH – After a brief manhunt, Jack Frost turned himself in to local authorities late last week to face charges of sexual misconduct and molestation. According to police reports, six separate snowmen and three snow-angels have accused Frost of fondling and “naughty touching” during various parties at Frost’s Lebanon, NH home.
McDonald's Buys Catholicism
Published December 2002STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided that the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast food chain McDonald’s. Both the Pope and Edgar Steves, McDonald’s spokesman were pleased with the new venture and expressed optimism for the sweeping changes to both the religious and fast food worlds that this merger will bring forth.