NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.

HILO, HI – Astronomers at the W. M. Keck Observatory have discovered a planet capable of supporting life orbiting a nearby star that humans could “definitely ruin.”

WASHINGTON, DC – After working on it for a year and a half, President Donald Trump has finished coloring the first page of his Presidential Coloring book.

WASHINGTON, DC – Sitting on the floor outside the office of the White House Physician, President Donald Trump is refusing to get up and leave until he is given a sucker.
“Right now I can confirm that the President, the most smartest man in the world, and who I thank every day for giving me this opportunity to work for him, he is sitting on the floor outside of the White House Physician’s office, after a very successful visit where the President was given the best health grade possible, um… where was I? Oh yeah, the President is sitting on the floor outside of the physician’s office crying and demanding a sucker,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

NEW YORK, NY – Despite requests from the media and Democrat Party leaders, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump is refusing to release his permanent school record.

CLEVELAND, OH – Responding to political pressure, the Cleveland Indians baseball team has changed its mascot from a Native American to a man from India.

FREDERICK, MD – Last month Treddle signed up for Twitter with the username FuckRogers6969696 and came to regret the decision almost immediately.

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local woman Jenny McClintock is confused as to why Match.com continues to recommend “creepy and ugly guys” as potential dates.

TRENTON, NJ – Car salesman Gerry Traim has voiced disapproval for the nickname he has been assigned by his co-workers. Traim discovered the nickname, Major Ass, when he overheard others discussing his new car.

SANTE FE, NM – New Mexico Governor, Bill Richardson, has signed legislation approving a change in the New Mexico state flag and state nickname. The current state nickname of “Land of Enchantment” will be replaced with the new motto of “Land of Unending Construction.”