SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States government has agreed to allow financial institutions the opportunity to pay for the naming rights on American prisons.

EL SEGUNDO, CA – As the economy continues to struggle, not even celebrities are immune to the downturn and this week Barbie announced that her house is facing foreclosure.
According to bank records, Barbie has defaulted on several of her recent mortgage payments, ultimately forcing the foreclosure of her $200 million dollar “dream” home.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives have completed a deal that will allow actress Elizabeth Banks to appear in every single film until 2010. Banks currently stars in only 60% of feature films released in the U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the current economic crisis causing fears of a depression, Congress approved President Bush’s economic incentive plan that will allow American citizens the ability to print their own money.

CLEVELAND, OH – As forecloses continue to haunt the housing market, a sharp rise in cardboard box prices is making it even more difficult for families to find a place to call home.

CHICAGO, IL – Despite the gloomy forecast for this year’s holiday spending, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the eight hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. The increased toy sales is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.

DOWNER’S GROVE, IL – Early Thursday morning Cal Bowdler, ICG Chief Financial Officer, received a very unnerving phone call from the SEC. His company was being acquired via hostile takeover, and there was nothing neither he, nor the few remaining shareholders of ICG could do to stop it. The suitors turned out to be Josh, 21, and Chad Meyers, 25, two unemployed brothers located in Downer’s Grove, Illinois.

OLYMPIA, WA – Representatives from the Consumer Reports Magazine are calling the Washington Sentinel Classifieds’ ad for a used car, “The best deal ever.” The three line add for an ’81 Toyota Supra was listed on February 23 and immediately had major automakers scrambling to head off what certainly could be the end of the auto industry as we know it.

BURBANK, CA – During a purchase of the Barenaked Ladies’ CD Stunt, Spin Me Right Round Records clerk Reggie “Egg” Stork expressed his disapproval of customer Brad Wilburton’s music selection.