AFTERLIFE – Long-time members of the famous 27 Club are voicing concerns that the club is no longer exclusive as more people are allowed to become members.

DALLAS, TX – To increase gay awareness, gay rights groups including the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) have adopted “truck nuts” as a symbol of gay pride.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As the holiday season approaches, several top toy retailers have released a combined list of this year’s top, must-have toys to help parents ensure their children get everything they should want and that the children will be popular amongst other children.

“This list is something (retailers) do every year as a service to parents,” said Toys R Us spokeswoman Carol Hall.

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA – All customers of the Huntington Beach Fitness Club agree that the guy that shows up in the skin-tight, teal running pants is dressed inappropriately.

IRVING, TEXAS – The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed “impossible to obtain.” The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Resort developer Steve Wynn is planning a new feature to add to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort and Country Club that he is describing as “the first of its kind.” The feature, currently dubbed “The Spankdome,” will be a giant coliseum where entrants will be allowed to masturbate freely anywhere in the building.

WASHINGTON, DC – After hundreds of thousands have protested recent proposals for overhauling the immigration system, President Bush will be touring the nation in support of a new proposal for both protecting United States borders and ensuring the availability of cheap labor.

LUBBUCK, TX – The sexuality of local man Donnie Ray Stevenson was tested earlier this week when he accidentally saw a new film about two homosexual cowboys, Brokeback Mountain.

LOS ANGELES, CA – As Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith exits theaters, parents all across the nation are calling in psychiatrists and other counselors to help their 30-something children transition from a life filled with Jedi and Storm Troopers and into a normal life.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a deal reportedly worth more than 20 million, both of Lindsay Lohan’s breasts have been signed to star in a big screen adaptation of the TV show “Cagney and Lacey.”