SEATTLE, WA – Local 17-year-old, Jakob Custors, is commemorating the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s suicide by writing a terrible song.

BOULDER, CO – Snowboarders around the world are getting ready to pretend they are actual athletes as they prepare for next month’s Winter Olympics.

WASHINGTON, DC – The National Security Agency has stopped collecting American’s data after completely filling over 10,000 servers with “selfies.”

“As of last week, the NSA is no longer able to collect data due to the very large number of selfies that currently reside on the servers,” said NSA Director, Shawn Nossen.

SEATTLE, WA – Spokespeople for Microsoft have begun telling customers that the United States government will soon prohibit the sales of Microsoft Windows phones so customers should stock up on the phones now, while they are still available.

“The government is gonna come in to our homes and take away our Microsoft Windows phones!” said Microsoft employee Racheal Gregor.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The budding romantic relationship between Eddie Freirs and Rebecca Staller ended abruptly last week after Staller revealed her feelings about the iPhone.

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple executives have confirmed that an iPhone has finally integrated itself with a human. iPhone and human integration is an unannounced feature that comes with the recently released iPhone 4S.

The integration feature, named iBorg, was used for the first time by James Maddow last week when he inadvertently hit the home button five consecutive times.

ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.

OAKLAND, CA – Rupert Murdoch is facing new phone hacking allegations after a former employee of a Murdoch owned high school newspaper said he was paid to hack the phones of two local teenagers.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Despite expectations to the contrary, the recent purchase of an Apple iPhone has left Geoffrey Glocke’s life relatively unchanged.

CINCINNATI, OH – A Twitter outage has prevented local teen Dakota Lundstrom from communicating with her friends about her love of waffles.