NEW YORK, NY – In advance of Valentine’s Day, Pfizer has released a new double-sided COVID-19 vaccination needle that will allow a couple to vaccinate each other at the same time.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Fast food chain KFC has announced plans to release a new beverage cup made from fried chicken.

SANTIAGO, CHILE – Archaeologists working outside of Santiago have discovered what they believe is the first known instance of a “dick pic.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

MEMPHIS, TN – An office Christmas party was ruined when an employee brought an expensive bottle of wine to a white elephant gift exchange.

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has pulled its new Measure app from iPhones and iPads after thousands of men complain the app does not accurately measure the length of their penises.

BOISE, ID – A bag boy at a local Fred Myers grocery store stated that he is a “rebel” and he doesn’t “care about nothing, especially work.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Several phsyicians have proposed a sweeping review of all medical procedure names with the possibility of renaming those procedures to “something a little happier.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hoping to win back white, male Star Wars fans, Disney is releasing a new edit of The Last Jedi with all non-white, male characters removed.

ANN ARBOR, MI – The president of the Ann Arbor School District Parent Teacher Association is denying allegations that Russia influenced recent PTA elections.