NEW YORK, NY – A mixed group of Millennials and Gen-Xers were shocked this week to learn that MTV is still on the air and broadcasting new content.

NEW YORK, NY – The United States of America and the European Union announced drastic new sanctions against Russia as a result of the war in Ukraine. The sanctions will block the import of any pornography from Russia.

NEW YORK, NY – Following the success of the “Manning Cast” for NFL games, ESPN will be launching a new live commentary option for professional sporting events featuring drunk, racist uncles.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Hallmark Channel has released its upcoming holiday movie schedule which includes several new holiday movies.

NEW YORK, NY – In advance of Valentine’s Day, Pfizer has released a new double-sided COVID-19 vaccination needle that will allow a couple to vaccinate each other at the same time.

NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has begun wearing a hand-made sash and a paper crown around the White House as well as some official events.

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local woman, Vanessa Perez, told friends that no matter what she gets for Valentine’s Day, she “won’t do that thing” her husband wants her to do.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump required assistance this week after getting his tongue stuck to a metal pole in the White House rose garden.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has given cabinet members and White House staff his “Christmas list” in the form of Sears catalogs with a number of circled items.