WILMINGTON, NC – Jesus Christ has apologized for a controversial tweet he made last month after an intense online backlash.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In response to a number of negative books about him and his time as President, Donald Trump will publish his own book that he says he has written himself “on the very best paper and using the best coloring stick pencil things.”

WASHINGTON, DC – During a joint press conference with the President of Argentina, Mauricio Macri, President Trump said he would like to open negotiations with the fictional country of Mordor.
Although Mordor is a fictional land from the popular book series Lord of the Rings, Trump said that he would be reaching out to the country’s leader to set up some “face-to-face time.”

WASHINGTON, DC – After working on it for a year and a half, President Donald Trump has finished coloring the first page of his Presidential Coloring book.

WASHINGTON, DC – Several phsyicians have proposed a sweeping review of all medical procedure names with the possibility of renaming those procedures to “something a little happier.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The new installment of the Star Wars franchise, Episode VIII, ‘The Last Jedi,’ is still several months away from hitting theaters but rumors about the plot have started hitting the internet.