SAN FRANCISCO, CA – To incentivize reluctant employees to return to the office, companies are offering new in-office only perks like on-site clowns, monthly balloon parties, new glory holes, and free shrimp cocktail.

NEW YORK, NY – A mixed group of Millennials and Gen-Xers were shocked this week to learn that MTV is still on the air and broadcasting new content.

NEW YORK, NY – To combat falling testosterone levels in American, white males, Fox News personality Tucker Carlson recommends drinking bull semen.

NEW YORK, NY – Brooks Brothers has unveiled a new line of clothes designed for men who work from home but still want to present themselves as professional on video conference calls.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Several of the largest sports betting apps will soon allow users to contact individual athletes directly through the app.

NEW YORK, NY – Following the success of the “Manning Cast” for NFL games, ESPN will be launching a new live commentary option for professional sporting events featuring drunk, racist uncles.

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Beginning next month, Facebook will begin offering degree and postgraduate degree programs to Facebook users.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A local Pasadena man is still wearing a fedora hat in publi

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local ventriloquist, Joshua Castellino, is no longer invited to parties due to refusal to leave his dummy, Winston, at home.