HOLLYWOOD, CA – As summer approaches and businesses begin reopening in full, people across the country are looking forward to heading out to their local movie theater to catch the newest summer blockbuster films.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States of America set a new COVID record as the number of people who claimed the pandemic was a hoax only to then get infected by COVID rose to over two million.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Local Tesla owner, Jacob Gregory, has successfully worked the fact that he owns a Tesla into every conversation he’s had since purchasing the vehicle in late 2020.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Beginning this month, several prominent restaurant chains will begin serving children meals that come half-eaten.

TAMPA, FL – The National Football League (NFL) announced the theme for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show will be “America” and will feature a large number of white people wandering around “doing whatever they want to do.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Elect Joe Biden has announced the nomination of Post Malone to a new cabinet position of Secretary of Yeet.

NEW YORK, NY – A time-traveling The Rock, whose real name is Dwayne Johnson, appeared in Times Square earlier this week to warn the world about the year 2020.

NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.

WASHINGTON, DC – After losing the Presidential election, by a considerable margin, Donald Trump has begun hiding from staff in the White House in a desperate attempt to remain President.

Hello, hello, HELLOOOOOOOO! Oh. My. GOD. It has been forever! It is I, your bestest friend in all of the deep, dark web – Beth Sinclair!