WASHINGTON, DC – One of Donald Trump’s first actions as President of the United States was sign an Executive Order reducing the total number of words in the English language to 150.
“Trump is a dumb, dumb person and as such he does not know very many words,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer.

BOSTON,MA – The scientists behind the computer simulation we know as reality have decided to end the simulation after a series of recent events wielded “bizarre results.”
“This current simulation, basically what you know as your ‘reality,’ has just gone off the rails,” said lead Simulation Programmer, Trent Stein. “(The simulation) got a little dicey in what you would refer to as the 2000s but things straightened out. Now, where this simulation is now, wow. Just… wow. This simulation has just produced some honestly stupid results. So instead of watching (the simulation) just fall apart or spin out of control we are going to scrap the whole damn thing. I know that sucks for you but… it’s really for the best.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With only a few weeks until the Presidential election, the write-in candidate Your Mom has taken the lead in a series of recent polls.

“People are rejecting the two major party candidates at a rate we’ve never seen and because of that people are looking for other choices,” said former Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “Someone, who knows who, said that they’d just write ‘Your Mom’ on their ballot and people are really starting to agree with that.”

AUSTIN, TX – Summer will be extended three months and Winter will be phased out over the next couple years according to a recent announcement from Mother Nature.

CHARLOTTE, NC – After viewing a viral video supporting Gary Johnson, local voter Travis Pickett says he will now vote for Johnson.

NEW YORK, NY – Despite requests from the media and Democrat Party leaders, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump is refusing to release his permanent school record.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pokémon Dewgong, a white sea lion like creature, has been added to Endangered Species list the by the International Union for Conservation of Nature.

The creature has been hunted to near extinction in recent weeks as a result of the popularity of the Pokémon Go game.

“In a lot of ways Pokémon Go has been the worst thing to happen to this world but it has been specifically terrible to the poor little Dewgong,” said Pokémon scientist Kellie Peters.

COLUMBUS, OH – The Ohio State Senate has approved sweeping changes to voting laws including requiring voters to have a gold-plated voter ID card.

SAN LEANARDO, CA – Hoping to bring in new players, Microsoft, the company behind the popular Minecraft game are offering a promotion where Minecraft players can win the opportunity to work in an actual mine.

LONG BEACH, CA – Despite a steep decline in sales and popularity, local man Kenny Drew sill shows off his Segway at every opportunity.