Trump Wants to Meet General Tso about Chicken
Published May 2017WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has sent an official request to the Chinese government asking for a meeting with General Tso to discuss the General’s chicken.
“I told China, let me talk to this General Tso guy. I want to talk to him about his chicken. It’s very good chicken and I’d like to talk to him. That’s what I told China. I’m very good at telling China things,” said Trump.
“I told China, let me talk to this General Tso guy. I want to talk to him about his chicken. It’s very good chicken and I’d like to talk to him. That’s what I told China. I’m very good at telling China things,” said Trump.
Trump had Spinach Stuck in Teeth for Two Weeks
Published March 2017WASHINGTON, D.C. – For more than two weeks, President Donald Trump has had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth and it remains unclear if he knows that it’s there.
Trump Confused by Paper Towel Dispenser
Published March 2017WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump spent almost an hour and a half standing in front of a manual paper towel dispenser, waiting for the paper towels to come out automatically.
“Apparently Trump, who let’s face it, is a dumb, dumb man, hasn’t used a manual paper towel dispenser before and was really confused,” said White House custodian Jade Olivera. “He thought it was one of those machines where you wave your hand near it and it spits out a paper towel. At least we know he washed his hands.”
“Apparently Trump, who let’s face it, is a dumb, dumb man, hasn’t used a manual paper towel dispenser before and was really confused,” said White House custodian Jade Olivera. “He thought it was one of those machines where you wave your hand near it and it spits out a paper towel. At least we know he washed his hands.”
Trump Signs Order to Limit Number of Words
Published February 2017WASHINGTON, DC – One of Donald Trump’s first actions as President of the United States was sign an Executive Order reducing the total number of words in the English language to 150.
“Trump is a dumb, dumb person and as such he does not know very many words,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer.
“Trump is a dumb, dumb person and as such he does not know very many words,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer.
Computer Simulation Known as “Reality” Ending
Published January 2017BOSTON,MA – The scientists behind the computer simulation we know as reality have decided to end the simulation after a series of recent events wielded “bizarre results.”
“This current simulation, basically what you know as your ‘reality,’ has just gone off the rails,” said lead Simulation Programmer, Trent Stein. “(The simulation) got a little dicey in what you would refer to as the 2000s but things straightened out. Now, where this simulation is now, wow. Just… wow. This simulation has just produced some honestly stupid results. So instead of watching (the simulation) just fall apart or spin out of control we are going to scrap the whole damn thing. I know that sucks for you but… it’s really for the best.”
“This current simulation, basically what you know as your ‘reality,’ has just gone off the rails,” said lead Simulation Programmer, Trent Stein. “(The simulation) got a little dicey in what you would refer to as the 2000s but things straightened out. Now, where this simulation is now, wow. Just… wow. This simulation has just produced some honestly stupid results. So instead of watching (the simulation) just fall apart or spin out of control we are going to scrap the whole damn thing. I know that sucks for you but… it’s really for the best.”
Putin Waiting Until Christmas to Open Trump’s Present
Published November 2016MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin says he is excited but still waiting until Christmas Day before opening his gift from United States President Elect Donald Trump.
Polls: Your Mom Now Leading Clinton, Trump
Published October 2016WASHINGTON, D.C. – With only a few weeks until the Presidential election, the write-in candidate Your Mom has taken the lead in a series of recent polls.
“People are rejecting the two major party candidates at a rate we’ve never seen and because of that people are looking for other choices,” said former Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “Someone, who knows who, said that they’d just write ‘Your Mom’ on their ballot and people are really starting to agree with that.”
Voter Changes Minda after Watching YouTube Video
Published September 2016CHARLOTTE, NC – After viewing a viral video supporting Gary Johnson, local voter Travis Pickett says he will now vote for Johnson.
Report: Clinton’s Email Mostly Twilight Fanfic
Published September 2016WASHINGTON, D.C. – The investigation in to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email during her time as United States Secretary of State has revealed more than 80 percent of the emails sent or received by Clinton were Twilight fan fiction and pantsuit catalogs.
“(The FBI) reviewed all available emails and while we found nothing to indicate a violation of any law, we did find a shockingly large number of Twilight fan fiction stories and pantsuit catalogs,” said FBI Director, James Comey.
Trump Refusing to His Release Permanent Record
Published August 2016NEW YORK, NY – Despite requests from the media and Democrat Party leaders, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump is refusing to release his permanent school record.
