WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has installed a new head of his COVID task force – a White House Intern that helped remove a computer virus from the President’s laptop.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump required assistance this week after getting his tongue stuck to a metal pole in the White House rose garden.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As smartphones have become an increasingly important part of our lives some experts are growing concerned we may be developing an addicted to our phones.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Cirque Du Soleil will be debuting a new show based on the life and music of GG Allin this month. The new show, Cirque Du Soleil: Eat My Fuc, is named after one of Allin’s earliest releases.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”

KIRKLAND, WA – A local barista informed customers and coworkers that he has almost completed his film script.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to reports, White House staff has removed all clocks that mark the turn of the hour with a sound from White House grounds because President Donald Trump gets confused by the sound, asks “who’s there?”, and remains motionless until someone responds.

MEMPHIS, TN – An office Christmas party was ruined when an employee brought an expensive bottle of wine to a white elephant gift exchange.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new Executive Order has been signed by President Trump making it illegal for businesses to sell donuts with holes in the middle.
“We are getting ripped off with our donuts. We always have been. It’s Obama’s fault. And Crooked Hillary. And also the fake news media,” said Trump.

BOISE, ID – A bag boy at a local Fred Myers grocery store stated that he is a “rebel” and he doesn’t “care about nothing, especially work.”