

Summer Olympics Adds New Keep Balloon From Hitting the Floor Sport
Published June 2024PARIS, FRANCE – A new sport will be added to this year’s Summer Olympic games – Keep the Balloon Off the Floor, also known as “Balloon Bop.”

FDA to Require Companies to Declare if Food Contains Souls of Children
Published April 2024WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a new rule that requires companies to add a statement on product packaging declaring if the souls of children were used in a product.

Mystery Inc. Teens Arrested for Harassment of Mill Owner
Published April 2023WORCESTER, MA – A group of teenagers has been arrested for the assault and harassment of a local mill owner. The teenagers, who refer to themselves as Mystery, Inc., were also charged with trespassing and possession of controlled substances.

Colombia Opens Ski Resort Using Cocaine Instead of Snow
Published February 2023BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – In an effort to draw tourists to the country, Columbia will open it’s first ski resort featuring cocaine rather than snow.

FDA Adds New “Fewd” Category for Taco Bell Menu Items
Published April 2022WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Food and Drug Administration announced this week that it has created a new product category, “fewd,” to describe items found on Taco Bell’s menu.

Odd Weather Has Old Man Winter’s Friends and Family Concerned He May be Using Drugs
Published November 2021WINTERLAND – Old Man Winter’s family and friends are concerned that his recent erratic behavior may be due to cognitive decline or drug abuse.

Santa Claus Will Not Accept Lists Containing Ivermectin
Published December 2021NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.

Trump Gets Hand Stuck in Candy Jar
Published September 2019WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has had his hand stuck in a candy jar for over two days but he is refusing help and refusing to acknowledge that his hand is stuck.
Father Unwilling to Accept Son is Terrible at Sports
Published May 2019DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.

Cirque Du Soleil Unveils New GG Allin Inspired Show
Published May 2019LOS ANGELES, CA – Cirque Du Soleil will be debuting a new show based on the life and music of GG Allin this month. The new show, Cirque Du Soleil: Eat My Fuc, is named after one of Allin’s earliest releases.
