

Utah Residents Welcome Whitest of All Sports to Whitest of All States
Published September 2024SALT LAKE CITY, UT – The people of Salt Lake City are eager to welcome the National League Hockey, the whitest of all sports leagues, to the whitest city in America.

Woman’s Athletic Accomplishments Immediately Compared to Every Male Athlete’s Accomplishments
Published May 2024DES MOINES, IA – After a record-breaking collegiate career, woman’s college basketball player Caitlin Clark’s accomplishments have been compared to the accomplishments of every male athlete ever.

ESPN Launches New DRUncle Cast for NFL Games
Published January 2022NEW YORK, NY – Following the success of the “Manning Cast” for NFL games, ESPN will be launching a new live commentary option for professional sporting events featuring drunk, racist uncles.

NFL Launches “Don’t Be a Pussy” Men’s Mental Health Campaign
Published October 2021NEW YORK, NY – The National Football League has launched a new campaign called “Don’t Be a Pussy” aimed at promoting good mental health among men.

Super Bowl Halftime Event to Feature White People Doing Whatever They Want
Published January 2021TAMPA, FL – The National Football League (NFL) announced the theme for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show will be “America” and will feature a large number of white people wandering around “doing whatever they want to do.”

Local Man Unable To Communicate Without Sports
Published March 2020DALLAS, TX – A local sports fan, Derrick Browdirt, has found himself unable to communicate with other males due to the cancellation of all sports and sporting events during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Trump Gives White House Staff His Christmas List Catalogs
Published December 2019WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has given cabinet members and White House staff his “Christmas list” in the form of Sears catalogs with a number of circled items.
Father Unwilling to Accept Son is Terrible at Sports
Published May 2019DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.

Researchers Studying Soccer Players’ Injury Recovery
Published February 2018COLUMBUS, OH – Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are studying soccer players around the world for their unique ability to recover quickly from injury.

Local Man No Longer Feels Comfortable in His Man-Cave
Published April 2017SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.
