LITTLE ROCK, AR – Nearly all passengers in a minivan headed towards the Atlantic coast have complained about the music selections made during the road trip.

SANTIAGO, CHILE – Archaeologists working outside of Santiago have discovered what they believe is the first known instance of a “dick pic.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Government has announced a Black Friday sale where parts of the government will be available for purchase at sharply reduced prices.

DETROIT, MI – According to a recent report by the World Health Organization, most of the America’s population describes themselves as unhappy.

BOISE, ID – A bag boy at a local Fred Myers grocery store stated that he is a “rebel” and he doesn’t “care about nothing, especially work.”

BOSTON, MA – A sharp decline in the chastity belt industry is being blamed on millennials.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – According to recent census data, Americans are flocking to large cities, specifically ones that are likely targets during a nuclear attack.
“Since the 2016 election, we’ve seen a sharp increase in people moving to cities that would be targeted first in a nuclear attack,” said U.S. Census Bureau representative, Kelly Zhou. “Cities like Los Angeles, New York, Washington D.C., Seattle – those cities are seeing a huge influx of people hoping to die right away when we end up in a nuclear war.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House staffers were both surprised and shocked earlier this week when Trump managed to staple his tie to his desk for the 63rd consecutive day.

BOSTON, MA – House cats have begun stealing human souls as part of the final phase of their plan to conquer Earth.