

Mystery Inc. Teens Arrested for Harassment of Mill Owner
Published April 2023WORCESTER, MA – A group of teenagers has been arrested for the assault and harassment of a local mill owner. The teenagers, who refer to themselves as Mystery, Inc., were also charged with trespassing and possession of controlled substances.

Future Version of The Rock Appears to Warn World of 2020
Published November 2020NEW YORK, NY – A time-traveling The Rock, whose real name is Dwayne Johnson, appeared in Times Square earlier this week to warn the world about the year 2020.

National Police Union Unveils New White Robe Uniforms for Police Officers
Published August 2020WASHINGTON, D.C. –The National Police Union has approved new white, robe-like police uniforms that will demonstrate a “commitment to peace and harmony”.

Authorities Investigating Why Ferret Bought 23 Gallons of Chocolate Milk
Published July 2019ORLANDO, FL – Both police and animal control officers are looking in to a recent report that a ferret has purchased over 23 gallons of chocolate milk from a local grocery store.

Black Man in TV Commercial Results in 270 Calls to 911
Published June 2018NASHVILLE, TN – The appearance of a black man in a television commercial frightened white viewers and resulted in more than 270 calls to police.
Experts Offer Ten Ideas for the Perfect Valentine’s Day
Published January 2018DALLAS, TX – The Valentine’s Day holiday can cause panic and anxiety for those looking for something original, exciting and romantic to do with their loved one.
Man Will Take Down Christmas Lights When He Feels Like It
Published December 2015MODESTO, CA – Local Man Dennis Clarke has told his family, friends and neighbors that he’ll take down his fucking Christmas lights when he fucking feels like it.

Man Promises to Not Get Too Drunk at New Year’s Eve Party
Published December 2015MIDDLETON, WI – Local man Jesse Guentert has told his friends that he will try to drink only a small amount of alcohol at their New Year’s Eve party.

Travel Magazine Releases List of Top Spring Break Spots
Published February 2015NEW YORK CITY – The travel magazine, Destination Awesome, has released its list of the top five 2015 Spring Break destinations.

Police Officers Agree to Shoot More White People
Published March 2015MEMPHIS, TN – As tensions between police officers and civilians rise across the country, the National Association of Police Organizations (NAPO) is recommending that police officers begin shooting more white people.
“A lot of the tension is racially based, with the perception that police officers shoot minorities more often than white people,” said NAPO spokesman Eddie O’Reilly.
