ORLANDO, FL – Both police and animal control officers are looking in to a recent report that a ferret has purchased over 23 gallons of chocolate milk from a local grocery store.
“Here are the facts that we know so far; one, a small, furry little creature, probably a ferret, bought a whole bunch of chocolate milk,” said Orlando Police Spokesperson, Gabriel Ortega. “We also know that it was alone. No one or no other furry little creature helped purchase the milk. And third, the creature did in fact purchase the milk. It didn’t steal it, it bought it. With money.”
According to eye-witness reports, a ferret walked in to a Winn-Dixie, opened the dairy cooler, removed 23 one-gallon jugs of chocolate milk, dragged each jug to the front of the store, paid for the milk using cash, then dragged each jug out of the store.
“I just kinda watched it all happen while I was sittin’ here drinking my lemonade,” said Winston Charles, who witnessed the event. “The little guy just went in there, bought the stuff, and then dragged the chocolate milk out, one by one, in to the parking lot. I was gonna get up and help, or at least look to see where he was takin’ that chocolate milk but it was hot outside and my knees. Also, I’m lactose intolerant, so the last thing I need is for him, or her I guess… hey, how do you tell a boy ferret from a girl ferret? Do they have little ferret titties? I don’t know. Anyway, I don’t need the damn thing offering me some milk for the help and then me get all gassy.”
Police are not looking to charge the ferret with any crime as it appears the transaction was completely legal but according to Ortega there are a number of unanswered questions.
“First question, the obvious question is why chocolate milk? There’s a bunch of other kinds of milk and the ferret went straight for the chocolate milk,” said Ortega. “Personally, I like the strawberry milk. It tastes like candy. That’s besides the point. Our second question is where was he keeping the money to pay for it? Last time I checked, a ferret isn’t a marsupial, so there aren’t any pockets. Those are the things that are really bothering me about this whole situation.”
Security footage of the entire event is unavailable as many of the store’s cameras were blocked or were damaged at the time.
“We got a couple images of the ferret from the outside cameras but the other cameras are broke or not pointed at the register. Business hasn’t been super great, so, you know, we haven’t really fixed any of the broken cameras,” said store manager Quinn Weaty. “Right now, I really wish I had fixed those cameras. I would pay good money to have seen the whole thing. I mean how many times in a man’s life is he going to have the opportunity to see a ferret buying chocolate milk? Maybe three times? And now I’ve missed one of those times. Maybe he’ll come back. I should move the cameras that are in the women’s bathroom to the front registers.”
Animal Control agents say that this is the first known instance of a ferret buying 23 gallons of chocolate milk.
“This is new. This is totally new,” said Orange County Animal Control Agent, Shelly Weather. “We’ve seen lizards buy cigarettes and we’ve seen a gang of pigeons rob a liquor store but we’ve never seen a ferret go in to a store and buy 23 gallons of chocolate milk before. We’ve seen a ferret but four gallons of regular milk but this, this 23 gallons of chocolate milk, all at once, this is new. And where did that little guy get the money to buy 23 gallons of chocolate milk?”