Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.

WASHHINGTON, D.C. – Almost a year after suffering tremendous losses in both state and federal government seats, the Democratic Party announced that it might have just maybe figured out a possible platform. Possibly.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced his nomination for Sandra Day O’Connor’s replacement on the United States Supreme Court during a press conference late last week. Bush’s selection, Jesus H. Christ, is a popular nomination among conservatives but the nomination will likely come under fire from Democrats.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Just days after appearing in the desert outside of Tadmur, the alternate universe version of George W. Bush has taken control of Syria by an undisputed win in the countries general election held last week.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the debate about the future of Social Security reaching a boiling point, President Bush announced a new plan late last week that was immediately accepted by both parties.

PORTLAND, OR – In a demonstration against the American government and the election process, 18-year-old Jerold “Skinner” Watoski, decided not vote for any of the available Presidential candidates and instead wrote in his own candidate. Watoski, who describes himself as an “Anarchist,” wrote the name of rock-group Good Charlotte on his ballot with a marker that Watoski had snuck into the voting booth.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.

AUSTIN, TX – With the recent explosion of controversy as cities and states consider the legalization of gay marriages, Texas Senator Dale Williams has introduced a bill into Congress that will forever remove the word “Homo” for the term “Homo-sapiens” and make the union of same sex partners a federal crime.

WASHINGTON, DC – With months of debate and crisis behind him, President George W. Bush unveiled his energy plan, which he says “will serve imminent relief to people and their stuff.” The plan is controversial and as anticipated, democrats in the house and senate are already lining up against the bill.