SEATTLE, WA – A wealthy, retired, local man thinks someone needs to do something about the homeless issues affecting the city.

This year, instead of making resolutions that are bound to fail, I’ve put together some life hacks that are easy to stick to and will make you a better person.

I’m here today to give you my picks for the best vacation spots here in the good ol’ US of A.

COLUMBUS, OH – According to reports released by the U.S. State Department, Russian military forces are now poised just outside a local boy’s bedroom in what appears to be preparations for an invasion.

“We cannot confirm how many forces have been staged outside of Timmy Couch’s bedroom, but we can say that the amount appears to be a lot,” said Secretary of State, John Kerry.

JUAREZ, MEXICO – South American pigs have released a deadly, genetic terrorist attack on the world in the form of a swine flu virus. To date, over 150 people have died from the attack and another several thousand have contracted the disease.
Shortly after reports of the attack began to appear, the leader of the Animalism Swine Liberation Force released a video taking credit for the attack.

LOS ANGELES, CA – An animal rights group has begun protesting outside of Warner Brothers Studios demanding the immediate stop of all animal cruelty in its productions, including the popular Looney Tunes cartoons.

WASHINTON, D.C. – In a controversial ruling, the United States Supreme Court eased legislation to allow companies more freedom when advertising products and services including allowing for statements that are not proven true.

CLEVELAND, OH – Only a few seconds after he called in sick to work, co-workers of Carl Mayer set a new world record for speculation on Tuesday. Mayer, who claimed to have a sore throat and fever called in to his office at 7:37:24, and by 7:37:27 rumors were already running rampant about the true cause of his absence.

CLINTON, OH – As the debate over the teaching of the origin of life continues, a new, more radical theory is beginning to push its way to the forefront and is starting to become widely accepted. The theory, called “the Cabbage Patch Theory” argues that man first came from cabbage fields located in Cleveland, GA.

VENTURA, CA – Friends and family of the TV star Cookie Monster held what they are referring to as “a successful intervention” last month in an effort to get Monster clean and free from his cookie addiction.