HOUSTON, TX – A recent survey by Car & Truck magazine concluded that there exists an indirect relation between the lift in a truck and the size of the owner’s penis – meaning that as the size of the lift increases, the penis size decreases. Although the relationship had been previously speculated by much of the American population, the survey marks the first documented evidence of the correlation.

OLSO, NORWAY – Scientists in Norway think they may have isolated the gene that is responsible for the growth of dark scars, commonly referred to as tattoos, on females in their late teens. The break through came as a result of two years of exhaustive research and may lead to preventing the disease which currently affects 80% of American women age 18-21.

BERKLEY, CA – Three major gasoline companies gave in to pressure from local protestors this week and lowered gas prices by 15 cents. This marks the first time that gas companies have ever reduced the price of gas because of protests.

TAMPA BAY, FL – Despite never playing a single game of football in his life, 24-year-old Tampa resident Jake Berls declared himself eligible for the NFL draft. Listed as a Quarterback, Berls was confident going into the draft that he would be selected in the first two rounds. Despite his lack of experience, Berls was drafted 17th overall by the Arizona Cardinals.

HOBOKEN, NJ – After years of debate, an independent group of researchers has finally put a value system to the world of “fun” and the concept of “funny.” The group, lead by Randolph Bacon, a self proclaimed master of fun, was funded in part by the Nestea Corporation to find out exactly what is the funniest thing on earth.

HARRISBURG, PA – A study, conducted by University of Virginia professor Alan Lamansky, has concluded that Gary Valderito of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is indeed “stupid” under the rules and standards governed by the scientific method. The study, funded by a grant from the Society of Talented and Gifted Elitists of America, contained scientific validation, and numerous accounts of stupidity and idiocy as cited by friends, co-workers and neighbors.

LAWRENCE, KS – Kansas State Education officials again shocked the education world this week by announcing that it will remove all Math, Science and Social studies related materials from its classrooms due to both moral and funding reasons.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Earlier this month, friends and family of the late Timothy Leary, noted drug enthusiast, uncovered one of Leary’s journals, one that holds what the man had been studying in the days before his tragic death. Discussed in the journal was a theory that LSD, Leary’s drug of choice, could be transmitted electronically over phone lines and introduced to the body through the user’s mouse.